Sex toys, you know, those adult toys you use to make sex, err, pleasurable. Most of the toys today are designed for pleasure – vibrators, dildos, anal plugs, you name it. The general concept is either you put it in a hole down there for added pleasure and stimulation, or incorporate it anywhere you like.
No matter what the purpose may be, there will always be sex toys that will make you scream, “WTF,” and not even want to think of sex anymore. So, before you hit that “Buy” button and give out details of your credit card, you need to think of three things:
Keep these three things in mind, especially when you plan to buy any – or all – of these seven insane sex toys.
- A basic plan of how you will use it.
- Know who you will use it with.
- What you plan to do with it after using it.
1. The Butt Plug
There’s something about humans and stuffing something in the butts. Come one, guys. You even placed your index finger inside her ass while you’re humping her from behind, and both of you got so turned on.
Because apparently, the thought of using both holes is an erotic idea, you can’t help but get a boner.
Since you found out that oil-based lube, such as petroleum jelly is not advisable, and you want your hands on different areas, you can opt for butt plugs to make the job easier for you. Believe it or not, butt plugs these days come in different variations.
There are butt locks, wherein something goes in your penis while the hitch goes into your butt. Then there are permanent butt plugs where through a series of muscle contractions, the butt plugs became, well, permanent. If you’re into tossing games, then there is an anal ring toss. It’s just a ring toss with the twist where something goes inside the anus and you toss a ring into it, as if the butt is a good foundation.
Whatever variation you choose, remember this – always use sex toys with caution. The butt is a sensitive area. You don’t want to hop from one place to another just to get rid of that something that is jammed up your ass.
2. The Drilldo
Two words: drill and dildo. Before you react, keep in mind that what you are about to read actually happened in real life and was not fabricated.
Back in 2009, a couple in Maryland decided to take their sex life to the next level. Blame it on boredom and their passion for new things, the dude had an “Aha!” moment so he decided to jam the dildo over the drill.
To cut the story short, the results of the drilldo did not turn out how they hope it to be. Surprised, the blade chewed through the rubber dildo in seconds and went right into the lady and, well, let’s not be graphic here. It’s up to you on how you want to imagine what happened right after the incident.
The moral of the story: never, ever combine sharp objects and cutting tools with sex toys. If you want to be adventurous in bed, think about the implications first of your actions. Oh, and yes, don’t hump sharp objects, too. Unless you like hospital emergency rooms, that is.
3. The Hood
Okay, you have to commend these people for being imaginative. At one point, they are inventing things such as dildo and butt plugs, which actually makes sex life even better. Then the next day, they come up with the most outrageous things that you start to question their sanity – and intelligence.
One of this is the sex hoods in different variations. To give you an idea, sex hoods are worn as a facemask, with certain holes where you can stick your thing and get some pleasure while she suffocates. Take the case of lady parts hood. From the name itself, you can guess that it is a facemask with a forehead-based vagina and a mouth butt, giving you an option as to where you want your man to be.
Or if you can’t get enough of your childhood and miss Bugs Bunny so much, you can ask your girl to try the Bunny Hood. Its manufacturer describes it as the “ultimate face bondage hood” to give the wearer a cute, sexy and mysterious look. It is made of durable leather lace and a collar with a large pink leather bow.
Regardless of the type of hood you want to try, always remember this: it should be consensual. And yes, take it easy. Hiding a woman’s face, while giving your man down there some pleasure is not exactly how she wants to play it. You can stick to the good ol’ blowjob if you want to avoid suffocation. It feels the same way, with or without the suffocating sex hood.
4. The Sex Droid
So, you love sex. Who doesn’t? After all, sex gives you an unexplainable pleasure, for free. However, there is a big possibility that you might get a sexually-transmitted disease, especially when you’re not careful. If you love sex, but you don’t have a girl who you can constantly do it with – and paying someone is not exactly your idea of a happily ever after in bed, then you can go for a sex droid.
Sex droids are human-size female dolls you can have sex with. It reacts every time you caress it and even has a human-size vagina, as if you are doing it with a real girl.
There are actually a lot of variations for sex dolls. You can go for anime dolls, inflatable love dolls, or just the ordinary sex droid a la Lars and the Real Girl. Whatever your choice is, at least you can get laid in the simplest and safest way possible. You can practice some of your moves with it, too.
Just make sure no one sees you banging the droid or else, well, you know what they will think of you.
5. The Vibrator
No, it’s not just an ordinary vibrator shaped like a penis that buzzes with just one switch. Apparently, people today are becoming so imaginative and borderline crazy, they are not happy with a simple vibrator. Different variations of vibrators are now available in the marketplace. There is a type of vibrator called OhMiBod vibrator.
If you want to incorporate music into sex, then this type sex toy is the right one for you. Also known as iPod vibrator, OhMiBod has Bluetooth connectivity, wireless remote control and triple stimulation, which are not exactly how you want to use your iPod.
You can also try the tongue vibrator. Apparently, not all dudes have a tornado-like tongue and if you are one of them, then there is a solution to your problem. Believe it or not, this vibrator looks exactly like a tongue and can do the work for you.
No matter how appealing it can be, tongue vibrator is not the type of sex that can turn a woman on. In fact, it is more of a recipe for a horror movie, with the moving tongue coming right at you.
6. The Kaylani Foot Fetish
Every dude has his own fetish. For many, boobs or butt can make them hard, even without doing anything. However, there are a number of guys who are fascinated with feet. If you are one of them, you’re not alone. And don’t worry too much about it. This doesn’t make you crazy, so at least you’re on the right track, or that’s what you are trying to make yourself believe.
If a woman with nice feet really turns you on, then check out Kaylani’s foot fetish masturbator. It may sound weird, but it is actually a soft and supple sex toy for dudes who love feet. To keep things more interesting for you, it has a life-like tight vagina hidden beneath the base of the heel to “complete your fantasy like never before.” And the best part about this sex toy is that you can bring it anywhere. Just don’t let someone see this inside your luggage.
7. The Stuffoscope
There is something about doctors that make them appealing to most women. If you can’t get your medical degree due to various constraints, then there’s always role-playing, right? In this case, it is important that you carry the character well.
However, a regular stethoscope has no place inside the bedroom. To complete your look, then head over to the sex toy store and look for the stuffoscope. It’s actually a penis-looking type of vibrator attached to a stethoscope.
Just in case you want to hear your partner’s innermost secrets or how her anus is doing, then go ahead and get this.
Weird, isn’t it? If you have purchased anything from this list, that’s fine. No one will judge you out loud, although deep inside, they will start to question your choices. But hey, it is you who will use it, so why should they care, right?
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