Isn’t it weird when a three-letter word that can provide you with the best pleasure of your life is so hard to say, especially when there are five year olds around? Yes, we are talking about sex here and nothing else.
Imagine this: You’ve been seeing a girl for weeks already and you want to take it to the next level. By next the level, this means having sex. The problem is, you don’t know how to say it in a manner she won’t find offensive. In looking for tips, you resort to good ol’ Google, typing in “non-offensive ways to ask a girl for sex,” in the search bar and you will find tons of articles about sex euphemisms.
Of course, this makes your life more difficult, because you don’t know what is offensive and what’s not. You don’t want to send the wrong signals to your girl, right? After all, you want to make love, just in case that’s how you want to call it. The good news is, you found this article and realized that these are 12 of the many things you need to stay away from, at least when it comes to describing sex.
1. Doing it
If you plan to be straightforward, you’ll go for the term,“sex.” However, when you are trying to be a gentleman and you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you’ll ask if she is willing to “do it.”
This is okay, and less offensive. However, every grammar Nazi will tell you that “it” is vague. If you take a present tense verb, use it for any type of action, and then combine it with a pronoun that could represent something, then you have a recipe for euphemism.
Doing it could mean eating pizza, going boating, watching a movie and activities that could be construed as anything besides sex. In other words, the phrase “doing it” is a euphemism for spineless cowards. Beware.
2. Throwing A Hotdog Down The Hallway
Since when does throwing food become an acceptable act? In case you are trying to describe sex by combining hotdog and hallway in one sentence, then you are in big trouble. First, do you seriously think your penis and hotdog are synonymous with each other? Second, a woman’s vagina and a hallway are not good comparisons. Lastly, are you calling a woman’s vagina large and cavernous?
If you want to ask someone to have sex with you, make sure to stay away from this euphemism. It’s not good.
3. The Beast With Two Backs
If you are trying to ruin the mood, despite your girl expressly telling you she wants sex, then this is one of the best, surefire ways to do it. Tell her you are ready to make the beast with two backs, and she will surely give you an annoyed look.
You’re not Shakespeare, so unless you know a deeper meaning to that line, don’t say it. Also, you’re not part of the Lord of the Rings cast where you need to solve a riddle just to get out of the cave. Your girl will appreciate you more if you tell her to go to the room, take off all her clothes and wait for you in the bed, naked.
4. Bumpin’ Uglies
Question – is your man down there ugly? How about your girl’s you know what, is it ugly? If you answered no to any one or both of the questions, then don’t even dare use this term when referring to sex.Regardless of how unattractive you think a man and a woman’s genitals is, slamming these organs and calling them equally unattractive names won’t make you better in bed.
Worse than that, calling it bumpin’ uglies is a definite recipe for disaster, and one of the most unattractive descriptions of sex out there.Do yourself a favor and be nice to your man down there. This includes a woman’s vagina, too, because no matter how ugly it looks, you know you still want to get down there for some action.
5. The Mattress Olympics
Okay, fine. Sex enables you to test your limits and check how flexible you are in bed. In fact, you might be surprised to find out things about yourself that you think you couldn’t do, but just did.
Still, this does not give you a license to refer to sex as the mattress Olympics.
Otherwise, you are under the impression that sex is only once every four years. Your girl would also think that mattress Olympics is your way of doing cartwheels like when you were six. Don’t give the wrong impression, dude. Sex is not a sporting event that comes with a medal. Don’t go there.
6. Cleaning The Cobwebs With The Womb Broom
Fact: Not everyone wants to have sex everyday. Even married couples don’t spend some sexy time together every night after putting the kids to sleep. They are just too exhausted from daily activities and sometimes, they would rather sleep than be kinky. Hence, don’t expect all the single ladies out there getting laid everyday. In fact, they are even lucky if they do it once a week.
In case you go out with a girl who has been MIA in the sex department for a long time, be nice. Saying, “Let’s clean the cobwebs with the womb broom” is so offensive, she will be happier smacking your face than going to bed with you.
7. Rumpy Pumpy
You can’t help but be amazed with how these people came up with these euphemisms. If you happen to come across rumpy pumpy, just like now, if you love your life, especially your sex life, don’t ever use this euphemism.
Rumpy pumpy sounds like Humpty Dumpty, the nursery rhyme. Anything that involves kids, babies and anything in between is a not a good way to boost one’s libido.
No matter how adorable it sounds, this is just wrong on so many levels. Don’t be surprised when your girl asks for a Dr. Seuss book and demands that you put her to bed.
8. Making A Magic Sandwich
Again, another euphemism you need to stay away from at all cost. Here’s why. First, sandwich refers to an afternoon snack. Second, magic is not real and merely a parent’s way to trick their children when something unexplainable is going to happen. Third, magic and sandwich don’t go well together.
Do yourself a favor and don’t bother using this. Yes, sex is a magical experience – figuratively speaking. Just don’t take it literally.
9. Putting Some Meat In A Hot Pocket
Don’t you find it disturbing why people associate food and sex? Oysters, dark chocolates and chilies are aphrodisiacs and surely get you in the mood. Still, this doesn’t mean you could use any food you want and associate it with that three-letter word.
Take the case of “Putting some meat in a hot pocket.” Does this mean your member is a piece of meat while a woman’s vagina is a hot pocket? Even if you don’t take it in its literal sense, the concept of meat and hot pocket means something is brewing. Are you trying to get your girl pregnant?
Unless you want to be a dad, don’t bother putting your meat, if that’s how you want to call it, in a woman’s “hot” pocket.
10. Fixing The Clap Flap
There are creatures and things you could associate with a woman’s vagina. Take the case of oysters – just let your imagination run wild this time. In this phrase, the clap flap refers to a woman’s vagina. Telling her that you want to fix the clap flap gives her the impression that something is broken, which in this case, her vagina.
Unless you have a medical degree that specializes in the female reproductive system, don’t try to fix something that is not broken in the first place.
11. A Bit Of The Ole In And Out
You first heard of this phrase in the movie, A Clockwork Orange. A female psychiatrist interviews Alex by showing him pictures and he says what he thinks the person in picture will say.
When a picture shows a man climbing into a naked woman’s bedroom, Alex replied, “Uh no time for the ol’ in-out love. I’ve just come to read the meter.”
Since then, this phrase is associated with sex for reasons one could not understand. Perhaps the in and out in the phrase refers to the penetration, which is an in and out movement. Hence, “a bit of the ole in and out” means you want to have sex. Whatever. This still doesn’t make sense.
12. Cleaning The Pipes
One of the popular and commonly used themes in adult movies is the plumber-customer storyline. This could be the reason why people use “cleaning the pipes” as a euphemism for sex. However, in a woman’s mind, cleaning the pipes is in its literal sense. In case she needs a plumber, she definitely won’t give you a call, so you better bury this deep down to avoid embarrassment.
The point is, be straightforward. A little honesty goes a long way, and your girl will even appreciate it if you say you want to make love with her, instead of using some embarrassing euphemisms that are wrong on all levels. The challenge now is how to say it in a non-offensive manner and without being pushy. That’s your assignment.
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